well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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