You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
