My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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