I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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