John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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