she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
