Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
