Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
