They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
