thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
it glows. i had to have it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
