I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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