My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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