Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
