i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
