I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
