Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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