He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
