Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
