And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
