If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
