I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
