You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
