Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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