They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
