My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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