...so i touched it.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my shit smells like andre
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
