I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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