Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
