Do you still have your period?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize