i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
True strength comes from lack of pants
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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