Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
