please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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