someone get that fucking seahorse.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
