I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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