hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
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he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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