i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
My liver just broke up with me...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Randomize
