im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
