first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
