i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
