I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
