when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
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I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
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I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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