It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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