I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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