I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
