She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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