Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
