I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
