I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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