I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You smell like stripper and shame
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
