I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
