I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
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He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
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Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.