Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
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i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
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I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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