I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
