i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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