Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
