Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
