Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
