i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
