I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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