just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
