My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Small penises have feelings too.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
