Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
