1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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